You and I have gotten to know each other very well in the past few months. Though I have carefully ignored your presence, you have haunted the back of my mind for too long. Now it is time to acknowledge you and the truth.
For the past few months, I have prayed, begged, sought, and prayed some more for God’s will for me. I prayed that God would show me what He has for me. What is His will for me? To show me what I should do. And I heard nothing, or I should say, I believe I was hearing something, I was just ignoring it.
Ignoring it as craftily as I was ignoring the void. I was fooling myself.
Two weeks ago I was humbled by an email that I knew was coming, but I was dragging my feet. And when I finally realized it, I got down on my knees and I prayed. What is it you [God] want me to do? And while it felt freeing just giving myself fully over to God and waiting for His answer, something still nagged at me and again, I ignored it.
One day last week I was listening to one of my playlists, a song that I’ve listened to many times, now struck a nerve.
What do you do when you get
Everything you wanted
But it’s not what you wanted after all
What do you do when your dreams
But deep inside you know their not enough
God it’s so hard
Living with a longing heart
God help me now
To understand that this may be how
You show me I was made for something more
Something started bugging me, but we were going out to dinner and didn’t want to ruin the night by thinking about things that would lead to some deep thinking. So, I ignored it and forgot about it.
Last Sunday, we had a guest pastor at our church and he shared his testimony. And he said that He too was praying for God’s will, asking what God’s will was. Finally, he realized he was praying wrong. It is not what I want, but was God wants. God has a higher calling and purpose for each one of our lives. And Pastor Smith said something that really hit me, God doesn’t need us. God didn’t need Moses to part the Red Sea. He didn’t need Gideon to conquer the army of thousands. And God didn’t need Joshua to bring the walls of Jericho down.
But God uses us to fulfill His purpose, and in so doing that, we fulfill our purpose. God uses us and we are His instruments. We are part of His orchestra and He is the director.
And finally, I realized, I needed to change my prayer. God, what is Your higher purpose for me? Where will you use me to fulfill my purpose in life?
And the answer I was seeking was in front of me all along, I was just ignoring it. I started this blog nearly two years ago. I felt God pushing me to start it. And for a while, it was a good thing. I discovered my passion for writing. I grew a little in the knowledge of the scriptures by writing the devotionals. Overall, I grew in different ways. But, over the past few months, the growth has stopped. The pride I once had of saying I was a blogger has turned to embarrassment. And all that time, I ignored the signs of failure, the gut feeling that I was wasting my time. I ignored everything, including God saying “it’s time to move on to something better”
You see, I am writing a book. And every time I wrote a blog post that I knew would go nowhere, I could have put the same amount of energy into my book. I knew this blog was failing, no one cares about it. If they truly cared, they would have hit that like button.
According to my stats, I have 32 followers. And every time I post, there is not one single reaction.
In the posts I wrote about being a blogger and not caring what people thought, I was only fooling myself. I do care. I care a lot, and I don’t want to waste any more of God’s time that He has given me on blog posts that go nowhere.
Another angle I was trying to make on this blog was income. And I did everything possible to do it. I put money into this blog, and I never regained one cent. Because no one cared or did anything. The amount of time and frustration that went into researching ways to make an income was ridiculous. Everyone had a different answer and way to do it. And apparently, I was not meant to be one of those people to make money off my blog.
So, what does all this mean? Is Anchored in Grace closing? No, once I publish my book, I will use this site for my book. Will I continue to blog post? I don’t know. If I have extra time, and if God gives me something to write about. I may post. But I am posting to the void of silence. That is why I have posted so little the last few months. Because I knew it was pointless.
The overall answer and conclusion to all this, I am done beating a dead horse. I am done fooling myself, my family, friends, and everyone else.
I believe God’s will and purpose for me are to publish this book and possibly another one. God has given me the gift of music and writing. I will not abuse those gifts by not using them for His Glory. He gave me those gifts; He could take them away.
So, it is time for me to grow up. Grow in the knowledge of God. Take more time to read His word, learn more of His purpose for me. Seek His will daily. And stop wasting precious time.
Though I have to say in closing, this does hurt. I think of the amount of graphics I made, the time I spent making each post perfect, hoping it would go somewhere. I look the amount of money and time I put into this, and it was all for what? Really, as I can see, nothing.
I put my heart into my posts, and I got nothing in return. At least, not here on earth. If you have enjoyed reading my posts, whoever you are. Thanks. But, now it is time to mourn a little for my loss and gain. Time to move on to the next chapter.
So, there you have it. I like to say it’s been fun, which it was for a while. Creating this site, writing the posts, creating the graphics. But, no more.
Thanks for reading.